Why is this a comeback?
Because that's exactly what I'm aiming for here; to recover from anorexia without anyone knowing this crap crept up on me and took hold of me like this for a short period of my life. Things have spiralled to this point quick so my goal is to untangle them just as fast.
I won't go into massive detail about myself but I'm seventeen years old and live in the north England, last weekend i admitted to myself that my eating disorder was out of control and decided to seek proper help... i guess you could say I'm starting this blog at the same time as recovery.
Until the weekend in question, nobody knew about my eating disorder and now only one friend my parents and my GP know what I'm fighting here. Ive decided to document everything i suppose in a weird kind of 'memories' way and also have found reading blogs like this one personally very helpful over the last few days so thought id give it a go.
How bad are things?
Right from the beginning I've known full well that of course things could be worse, however things are not great.
In the last three/four months i have lost just over three stone which has amongst other things lead to anorexia. I wont say this out loud because at the moment I'm finding it hard to see myself as thin enough to be 'an anorexic' This is not because of the typical image associated with anorexia but because i believe i don't look thin enough/am light enough to be someone with a disorder that causes you not to eat/fear food... which is exactly what i have.
At the moment I'm fully aware that 80% of my thoughts around food and body image are not rational and i do want to eat normally and i well 'recover' however the idea of gaining weight in recovery is scaring me massively. I also am constantly discovering some of the bad habbits i have developed over the last few weeks such as ways of supressing my hunger and excuses i have developed this is also not easy to just 'snap out of' even when I'm seeing what this is doing to my parents and how concerned they are. (guilt is a whole other story)
My biggest problem at the moment is decisions. If food was provided three times a day to everyone and they had no choice this would be my brains ideal right now, however i don't want to live like that in the future so i have to overcome the panic of: what to eat? how much? when to eat? are there better things i could be eating? (as in 'I've saved calories over time now, could i be spending them in a better way'- as if every meal is my last) again this is just the current flurry of thoughts i get before every mouthful or mealtime i am aware they are not necessary and are irrational.
UPDATE SUMMARY #1
I won't go into massive detail about myself but I'm seventeen years old and live in the north England, last weekend i admitted to myself that my eating disorder was out of control and decided to seek proper help... i guess you could say I'm starting this blog at the same time as recovery.
Until the weekend in question, nobody knew about my eating disorder and now only one friend my parents and my GP know what I'm fighting here. Ive decided to document everything i suppose in a weird kind of 'memories' way and also have found reading blogs like this one personally very helpful over the last few days so thought id give it a go.
How bad are things?
Right from the beginning I've known full well that of course things could be worse, however things are not great.
In the last three/four months i have lost just over three stone which has amongst other things lead to anorexia. I wont say this out loud because at the moment I'm finding it hard to see myself as thin enough to be 'an anorexic' This is not because of the typical image associated with anorexia but because i believe i don't look thin enough/am light enough to be someone with a disorder that causes you not to eat/fear food... which is exactly what i have.
At the moment I'm fully aware that 80% of my thoughts around food and body image are not rational and i do want to eat normally and i well 'recover' however the idea of gaining weight in recovery is scaring me massively. I also am constantly discovering some of the bad habbits i have developed over the last few weeks such as ways of supressing my hunger and excuses i have developed this is also not easy to just 'snap out of' even when I'm seeing what this is doing to my parents and how concerned they are. (guilt is a whole other story)
My biggest problem at the moment is decisions. If food was provided three times a day to everyone and they had no choice this would be my brains ideal right now, however i don't want to live like that in the future so i have to overcome the panic of: what to eat? how much? when to eat? are there better things i could be eating? (as in 'I've saved calories over time now, could i be spending them in a better way'- as if every meal is my last) again this is just the current flurry of thoughts i get before every mouthful or mealtime i am aware they are not necessary and are irrational.
UPDATE SUMMARY #1
- On Friday i realised i really couldn't eat anything anymore, it just wasn't worth the turmoil. i spoke to a GP who agreed to refer me to the mental health team but did not know much about the issue. i was weighed and my BMI was low, i had lost a significant amount of weight since my last unrelated GP appointment two weeks before.
- On Saturday i did a 5K in the morning which i enjoy but fully know i wasn't fuelled properly and pushing myself too far
- After the run i realised i was no longer able to 'reward myself' or even 'relax' with any form of carbohydrate and it was confirmed to me just how bad things had got
- On Sunday we decided that we were going to start eating evening meals as a family (something we'd not been doing) which was a scary conversation at times as suddenly there was no going back and my habbits had to change however i want to edge myself back carefully.
- This week i have tried to eat three meals (not all fully balanced yet) a day and succeeded so far which is an achievement for me
- I also helped at an open evening last night remained cheery and optimistic and nobody has any idea of the hell I'm going through which is better for me personally, but also obviously difficult at times.
Comments
Post a Comment